It’s one of my quieter nights. I have a lot to think about, these days. I don’t know that I like it much, but hey - C’est la vie, right? Bleh.
I’m led by and think with my heart. And it’s softer now than it ever has been. I’ve never been this confused, this lost, even as a frightened but rebellious teen mother. I’ve always known who I am and what I’m about - even when I used to say that aspects of my personality were subject to change, sometimes daily. *smiles*
I still know who I am, what I’m about - but this feeling, this situation, it’s so new to me, so foreign… My head says one thing, my heart tells my head to shut the hell up - “bitch, you KNOW you don’t run things around here. I do.” I’ve ALWAYS followed my heart, and it’s never steered me wrong (Not really, anyway - and even in the worst situations… Well, at least it gave me something to write about). I do what my heart says is right for me, because I’ve always trusted her, completely and without question, no matter what anyone else has to say (much to the frustration of those who love and worry about me). She has always been my most trusted guide - and I’ve never questioned this before. Only now, in this stage of my life, am I wondering if “thinking with my heart” is a good thing.
My head says I’m a fool. She knows that this could fuck us up. She knows all the games and doesn’t want us caught up in any. She has a hard time trusting anyone - she holds the memory bank, after all. She knows what we’ve seen and done and heard. She’s processed every lie we’ve ever been told, every suspicious situation we’ve found ourselves in - she has created a scene for every single thing that can go wrong, with this. And she alone holds the fear that my heart blissfully and pointedly ignores. She reminds me that we don’t “wait” for anyone. She pulls up the slideshows in my mind of all the examples of the ones we flat-out refused to wait for, in the past. She plays the voice-recording that speaks the words clearly and concisely, “No exceptions.”
But the heart, she finally wholly believes in love, and is happily swimming in it. She’s so taken with the feeling of it, this concept is so new to her, to us. And the object of this larger-than-life, mind-blowing love - She is… She’s our teddyBear. She’s the only place we feel truly safe. And even our mind can’t deny that, because with her we feel a *calm* that we don’t know, any other time. Our strong, intelligent and beautiful lover protects us from the evils that we know are out there, that we’ve experienced as a child, as a teenage mother, as a young woman and a not-as-young woman. She challenges our mind and makes us THINK. And she holds and loves us and makes the heart just… Melt. But our mind - well, as the keeper of our memories and the creator of every scene of every possible outcome, she needs proof. She knows that this is the woman that we love. She knows that it could turn out just fine, maybe even better than ‘fine’. But she’s a skeptic and she always needs proof. She is the one that needs the reassurance, she is the one that insists that the other end of the deal be kept. She’s the one who checks the emails and texts, even though she grumbles at the impersonal method of communication called texting and has yet to find the email that she’s looking for, to validate this waiting and the reasons behind it (though even she admits that there has been validation aplenty lately, emails or no). She’s the one who reminds me that this could go so, so wrong. And that she’s apprehensive for good reason. Then she’s back with her pointer and projector and that damned slideshow again. She’s got a slideshow for everything, I swear…
Blind faith is a possession of the heart, not the mind.
This is my favorite Enya song. It’s calming and soothing and reminds me of the first woman I’ve ever loved and thought was beautiful. I love and miss you, Mom. <3