But some nights
Truth and clarity come at me
Calmly, peacefully
With a voice so clear and loud
The echoes are nearly deafening...
Even in its pitch black silence.
We sit together in the quiet darkness
She sings me a song
Rocks me to sleep
Makes tranquil my dreams.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
07May2014 (2:30am)
As it usually happens...
In the dead of night
The dark closets of my life
Once again have me
Pinned face-first against the wall
Trying to squeeze my will
My courage
My hope
From my battered soul.
But tonight I'm fighting
Just the way I used to
The way I have, all of my life...
Fighting with every ounce of
Determination that I possess -
Fighting for my dignity
For my hope
For my happiness.
And it always
Feels so much like
Fighting for my life.
Because I am.
I come from Crazy
But it's not gonna beat me.
No, it's not going to take me -
Not tonight.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Feather 19April2014
Sometimes you fall
Sometimes you float
Sometimes you flail
And sometimes
You land on the softest
Warmest
Most comforting
Pillow
Of Peace
And you can finally
Breathe.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Note to Self - 30November2012
We do not go out on Friday nights because we are exhausted from what is nearly always a long week. That’s what Saturday is for. Please bear this in mind next time you say, “Sure, yeah… I’m down.”
You are most certainly NOT down. Except maybe for an eight-hour nap.
This bed is so comfy right now it’s feeling even better than sex. And almost NOTHING is better than sex.
*sigh*
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Back-Up Plan - 29November2012
- Chech:I'm off tonight and out of school by 5:30. I invited her to dinner but almost sure she's gonna cancel. Wanna fill in if she does?
- Abrit:Second choice... Hmm... Okay, I'll take it.
- Abrit:But only because you're my best friend. If you were anyone else, I'd tell you to go jump off something dangerously high.
*SMdH*
- C:Where the fuck is that shit?
- Abrit:You know you're not actually allowed to cuss in front of the consumers.
- C:Well, he probably knows more bad words than we do, in that Hebric or whatever, as old as he is.
- Abrit:That's Hebrew and he's NOT Jewish. Dude, something is severely wrong with you.
- (Where the hell do they find these people??)
There's No Place Like Home.
I come from such a tiny island that, when a plane that I’m on is close enough to allow me to see the ground of wherever it is that I’m about to land, I get completely overwhelmed (and in the case of Dubai, absolutely terrified) at the sight of such a huge area. My silent panic attack has never once been noticed by airline staff or any other passengers around me. Even when I’m traveling with family. This lasts until my flight has landed.
Or for the next six months or so.
But still, I enjoy walking through cities in the middle of the day, just for the joy of getting lost and finding my way back, on my own. While I’m there… Right?
Then one night sometime later, I find my plane approaching the familiar lights of home and I can see the ocean surrounding the little island that I love.
And I breathe normally again.
<3
Trish Interrupted
- Mona:I still have your DVDs. And Trish ran away from the group home and came knocking on my door. So we watched Girl Interrupted.
- Abrit:You watched WHAT?!? With Trish??
- Maria:Don't let Trish watch Girl Interrupted, are you on crack?? You let her watch that and she'll think it's autobiographical. Next thing you know you'll find her under her bed with a bunch of chicken carcasses!
I write about her, TO her, every single day.
I think about her all the time.
I wait and hope that I’ll get a reply,
That she’ll write
That she’ll call
Show up
SHOW me her love.
Sometimes
She surprises me
Sometimes
I know just why I love her
So much
Most times,
I sit here
Waiting
Waiting
Hoping
For the silence
To come alive
With her smile.
“We’re making you soup. Come on over.”
Chicken kadu with steel-cut oats and every veggie under the tropical sun - and rice, of course. Lemon china fina’ denne’ even. For Ellie, the fams and me. Every ingredient in the pot had a specific intended nutritional purpose - just because I’m not feeling well today.
And dad even pulled out his super-secret stash of lemon-lime soda for us.
I LOVE these people. Only partly because of how well they love me.
“
Scissors cuts paper,
Paper covers rock,
Rock crushes lizard,
Lizard poisons Spock.
Paper covers rock,
Rock crushes lizard,
Lizard poisons Spock.
Spock smashes scissors,
Scissors decapitates lizard,
Lizard eats paper,
Paper disproves Spock.
Scissors decapitates lizard,
Lizard eats paper,
Paper disproves Spock.
Spock vaporizes rock,
And as it always has,
Rock crushes scissors.
”And as it always has,
Rock crushes scissors.
— |
Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock.
~And this is all I care to ponder today - everything else is just annoying the hell out of me. I don’t even want a damn hug - even when I need the damn hug. Bleh.
|
1:03am: LaShanda is so tired she declared that her religion is Cristopalian.
Lori-Shoes wants to learn more about this new religion by visiting LaShanda at the Cristopalian church tomorrow.
Diva is going along for a new experience with God - and some giggles.
Because LaShanda and Shoes are hilarious chickies.
^_^
Today is my ‘busy day’. But sometime tomorrow, I’m going to lay out on my bed and write and write.
And I’m not going to quit until I’m exhausted and every ounce of demon and doubt are driven from my soul.
I need some pen-time.
And sometime next week, my writing is going to be accompanied by some chocolate-covered strawberries and some Petalo. Just because.
In light of all the “P.O.C.” mud-slinging I see going on here today - and because today is just too damned slow for my tastes.
5pm, move it on over here, will ya? I’ve got shit ta do…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m a brown girl
Not a freedom fighter
(Except maybe for my own)
Not discriminated against
(But then, everyone around me is brown - except for my ONE ;)
And I don’t see the difference
What your skin color is
Or his, or hers - or theirs
Don’t judge before they’ve opened their mouths
To speak
Better…
Don’t judge at all
It’s not your place
Or mine
Or his, or hers - or theirs
Even white is a color
So EVERYONE is a
P.O.C.
Now can we just shut it and get some GOOD stuff back on the wall?
I am awestruck. (From: The Musings of A Lesbian Writer)
“Writing can destroy you.
It can twist your unsuspecting soul around its little wordy fingers, crumple it into a ball, stretch it out and tear it to pieces, flinging the alphabetic remains into the night air…
You give it a bit of love, then ruthlessly shove it out into the world to speak on its own.
Soul crushing.
Sometimes it lands just right and although you still cry, it’s with joy instead of anguish…
Your soul lives on through your writing and there’s always another project lying in wait.”
From a very inspiring article on writing (‘Writing Can Destroy You’) that I stumbled upon in *whispers* Wordpress.
I feel this. I know exactly how much of a relief it is to get it all out and onto the page, the enormous emotional weight that’s lifted, when it’s finally over. The satisfaction, the contentment (even if it’s fleeting, momentary), the sheerexhaustion that I feel when I’m done pouring into and onto and over. And the love, the pride that I feel in every bit of writing that I produce (except for the ones that are just not right, not good enough, not what I was striving for - those are tossed unceremoniously into the virtual or actual trash bin).
I just can’t express it the way this article does.
I need to learn to write like that.
I need to.
All This Fuckin' Brilliance. *smh*
In the time that I’ve been living alone, I’ve missed cooking for people.
And I’ve been craving Mom’s meatloaf.
So I’m making some for the office tomorrow - kind of a pre-Thanksgiving meal.
But in my preoccupied state….
I forgot to take out the meat.
And buy the bread.
And boil the eggs.
I’m going to be up for awhile.
Dalai, si Abrit.
-_-
Ron Pope - "You're The Reason I Come Home"
Somewhere, someone is searching for me - for everything that I am, despite everything and everyone that I’m not. Someone out there will feel lucky to have my heart. They’ll feel blessed to have me in their life. And I’ll be the reason they come home.
I believe in Someday and (finally) I believe in Love.
Shut Up & Drive
ChechaRiaBiaMaria: ”This is ALWAYS going to be your song. You know why? Because of that one night back when I didn’t even know how to drive stick - you tossed your keys to me, hopped into the passenger seat and said “Shut up and drive.” Then you were asleep before I could even ask you how. You know how long it took me to get to Dededo, driving a stick-shift 4x4 truck that I had no idea how to work?”
Abrit: ”Oh yeah? Lemme ask you something…. What kinda trans you got NOW?”
^_^
Pffft....
Hi.
I know, we’ve met before… Yes, I’m sure.
Look, chickie… We met a long time ago. And many times since then. I just looked a little different.
You see, you didn’t see me 25, 35, 55 pounds ago (not that it made any difference to me, one way or the other). You looked right through me, even as introductions were made. You barely managed a mumbled “hey”, as you scanned the room for more “interesting” (that is, thinner) people. I wasn’t ‘worthy’ of a second of eye-contact from the likes of you, much less an even mildly polite “hello.”
And if you didn’t take even a moment’s notice of me then - well, I see no reason for you to see me now. Make sense?
Your brand of shallow doesn’t do a thing for this woman. But have a good night, okay?
/:)
Stranger
The Feeling of hipbones against the bed, as I write.
An hourglass, with a waist smaller than I recognize.
The face in the mirror that looks like a woman who looks like me. But not really.
The glass door of the store freezer that closes - with her in it.
Three boxes of chocolate covered almonds on the counter - untouched.
No appetite, no real desire to eat.
Who is this woman in my house? Who is that in my mirror? Standing in the kitchen, shaking her head and walking away?…
يَقولُ إبنُ القيمْ :
لآ يُلحُ عَبدٌ مُؤمنٌ عَلى اللهِ تَعآلىَ في حآجةٍ إلـآ [ قضآهآ ]♥
لآ يُلحُ عَبدٌ مُؤمنٌ عَلى اللهِ تَعآلىَ في حآجةٍ إلـآ [ قضآهآ ]♥
(" if you |persist| in your prayers and request for what you wish to |happen| from God. So, God will make it happen")
Translation by: (The beautiful and Fierce) Ms. Rola “Tiger” Bawati.
I miss her wisdom, her viewpoint, her company, her treasured friendship. I miss her. <3
Magic
She always said I’m a witch…
Once the dark wave of this morning lightened up a bit, this was playing in my head.
The music video I found is terrible. Cheesy 80’s pop. ^_^
"Building your dream
Has to start now
There’s no other road to take
You won’t make a mistake…
Has to start now
There’s no other road to take
You won’t make a mistake…
And if all your hopes survive
Destiny will arrive
Bring all your dreams alive”
Destiny will arrive
Bring all your dreams alive”
Insha' Allah
It’s been years now
Since the cold-ish Sunday-ish mornings
I liked to
Wake early
Get into my sweats and slip out quietly
To the Khaled Corniche
Hot Caribou Mocha Blend in hand
Watch the water in the lagoon
Feel the cold breeze on my face, through my fingers
As I wrote the fresh crisp morning into my bookshop hardcover journal.
I can’t do that here.
We’ve neither Corniche nor cold breeze.
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